By now you’ve probably realized I have a horrible history with guys. I fall fast. Like crazy, stupid, out of my mind, fast. And, it always seems like its the wrong ones. Guys that I know don’t want the same things as me, are 1,200 miles away, or the ones that I can actually tell are ashamed to be in public with me. (True story, I’ll share eventually.) So it should be no surprise to anyone who knows me that when I met a guy recently, I became excited about the potential and WHAM, true to form, everything crashed and burned. That’s part of the fun in dating though, right? While drowning sorrow that you’ve been friend-zoned after asking “What are we?”, another opportunity graces you. (When one door closes…)
For the most part I think I’m a good person, but as he (who shall remain nameless) pointed out to me, I’m not. Actually according to him, I’m pretty much a bottom feeder. After a super crazy, super drunken night on his part, I decided we should just be friends. Things were going WAY too fast, and I didn’t feel comfortable. Actually, terrified is probably the more accurate term. That’s where I made my first mistake, deciding to just be friends instead of ending it. In my defense, there was this crazy instant connection that we both recognized, which would prove to make being just friends with out any strings attached pretty impossible.
Fast forward to this past weekend, after going a few days without talking, I reached out. Yep, shouldn’t have done that – mistake number 2. Thinking, perhaps after a few days things have cooled down on both ends enough that we can think rationally and be friends, get to know each other better, and down the road see where things lead. I was so wrong… so… so wrong. This is where I turn into a bad person… I didn’t nip it in the bud right then and there. I didn’t know how. It felt so good to hear someone say all these amazing things to me that I dragged it out instead of ripping it off like a band-aid. Got his hopes up, his feelings re-involved, and ended up hurting him. Again. Jerk move on my part.
Among the many, MANY things he told me, were that I enjoy leading guys on. Letting them get their feelings involved and then crushing them like a black widow. Karma will get me, overall that I’m only out to build up my self esteem, and that I target the weak and pre-damaged only to break them even more – because I like it. Needless to say, I ended up crying, and questioning who I am.
Part of the things he said stung, because well, I’m afraid they might be true. There’s a part of me that doesn’t like admitting I’m scared that I’ll just end up hurt. So, I sabotage. Hurt them before they hurt me. I guess I just never put in perspective their feelings until him. Which also might explain why I’ve had so many bad experiences, and not enough good ones. It also gives me yet another area that I need to work on. Mostly it’s a reminder to slow down, think, and make sure I’m being the best me.
I hope if you’re one of the guys I’ve hurt/lead on, you’ll accept my apology. I really am sorry, and hope some day we can have a honest discussion about it and how I made you feel.