Sarah Matthews Archives

The Sarah Diaries: Returning To College

After listening to multiple people tell me I should really finish my Bachelors, I’ve finally decided to do it. I’ve been sitting around 42 credits to have my Bachelors for over 10 years. With little to no desire to complete it. That is, until now.
I remember asking people at one point in my life, what was more important, work experience or having that slip of paper. I was told experience over education – but now that is not the case.
If you want to get anywhere, that small slip of paper that says you completed your degree is a must, if not a Masters, or more! There was a voice in my head telling me an Associates was enough – oh that voice was SO WRONG!
I’ve officially started the process, tonight I will be making the grand return to finish what I started all those years ago. I’m excited, nervous, and pretty sure I’m also crazy. The negative – had I not stopped when I did, I would have graduated pre 2007. The positive – I’m going back to finish, and classes are available online and in the evenings, which will work best for my schedule.
The point of me doing this, isn’t just for my dream job, but also to cross off another item on the bucket list.
Instead of taking a vacation for my 35th birthday next year, I’ll be celebrating a year later, not only a birthday, but fingers crossed, a graduation too!
I have the perfect frame and spot already picked out on my Peacock Tail Teal living room wall for that pretty piece of paper saying I did it!
Cheers!
Sarah
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The Sarah Diaries: Being Confident Alone

When is the last time you did something solo? Not just a quick drive thru lunch, but really went out an enjoyed yourself, with only the company of you?
A few weeks ago I had plans to go out with friends, which fell through. I was almost completely ready when things were called off. After doing my hair, making my face pretty, and getting dressed, I decided why waste it and just sit at home – I’m going out! After trying to see if some other friends were up to joining, I ventured out solo.
Now, I eat lunch daily solo. Me, myself, the creatures at the park, or Cosita meowing or shooting me dirty looks. You’d think feeling confident and heading out on my own wouldn’t be a big deal. Wrong… I was terrified! Apparently adding humans to the mix totally changes my comfort level.
I sat in my driveway with the car running for a solid 20 minutes before putting it in drive and heading to St. Joe. I knew it was Steelhead weekend, what I didn’t expect was for every place I went, that I thought I could feel confident sitting solo for a beverage and a meal, being busier than expected.
I probably drove around for an hour trying to figure out where I was going and what I was going to do before finally making my mind up. It wasn’t a long trip out, only a few hours. but it was well worth it.
Would I do it again? Yes! I was surprised after the initial terror how confident and comfortable I felt. A wise woman once told me, life begins at the end of your comfort zone. I think I’ll be making a few trips there throughout the year, hopefully you will too!
Cheers!
-Sarah
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The Sarah Diaries: All Because of Chocolate Cake

55 years ago a young man and woman sat in the backseat of a friends car, driving to a picnic lunch in Oklahoma. The couple in the front seat married, the two in the back, complete strangers. Both women in the car were best friends in high school. The two guys, both enlisted in the Air Force and became friends. The only reason the young man in the back even joined the other 3 on this outing was because as he calls it “some of the best chocolate cake I’ve ever had.”
Those two strangers, were my parents.
53 years ago, the two stood in what was my grandparents front lawn and is now my home, and exchanged wedding vows. It was a small wedding, filled with family and close friends from both sides.
Due to distance, most of their “dating” was done via handwritten letters, mailed back and forth. My mom still has a stack of the ones my dad wrote her. After his time in the Air Force, he moved from his home in Iowa to Michigan, began working at Whirlpool, and once us kids came along became the Coach of just about everything. My mom working at a local beauty salon, until she took over the farm. Both of them working hand in hand with my grandparents on the farm after hours, sorting produce, loading trucks for the market, and even working the different ones occasionally.
I remember being younger and asking them about how they met, and my dad telling the story of that car ride all those years ago. It was another hot day, and here these two strangers were sitting in the back seat of a car, she holding the now famous chocolate cake, when it starts to slide all over. Heat + cake + frosting = bad. They were able to save the cake, but had many laughs along the way.
When I asked how they knew this would turn out to be something special, they both shrugged their shoulders. My dad chiming in with “Well I figured she couldn’t be that bad.”
55 year total, 53 years married, 4 kids (took them 3 previous tries to get it right on the 4th! HAHA!), and countless memories.
Happy Anniversary, Mom & Dad!
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The Sarah Diaries: You DO Matter

Warning – we are about to get deep…
I found myself reminiscing last night, listening to a mix of all of Linkin Park’s albums. The very songs and lyrics that I once cranked up in hopes of tuning out life and the voices of negativity in my own head. The very lyrics that I can remember relating too on different levels, from a man who was open about his troubled life. The only difference now was this man, Chester Bennington, was now gone.
After Chris Cornell’s death many people spoke out saying his voice, his lyrics, his songs helped them through such a large portion of their life. For me, the last 17 years Linkin Park has been one of my many go to bands to get by.
Knowing these two men were such good friends, watching and hearing the pain of loss in Linkin Park’s performance of “One More Light” a few days after Chris’ death on Jimmy Kimmel, you could see and hear the pain in every word. I stumbled across a video of Linkin Park and Chris Cornell performing “Crawling” as song that is openly about how Chester felt while under the influence of drugs. It was heartbreaking to watch two men that so many looked up to, listened to, admired, and left us under such heart wrenching circumstance.
Much like cancer, suicide has touched many of us. Personally, I have watched the aftermath of loss in this form multiple times. High School to adulthood, I’ve cried, comforted, and tried piecing together a justifiable explanation as to why.
I’ve also been on the other side. I’d be lying if I said the darkness that is depression and suicidal thoughts isn’t terrifying, because it is. For different people the triggers are a range of things from chemical imbalances, to drugs and addiction, to not being able to process grief, past sexual abuse, and more. For me, it was a combination of things.
And… here’s where I get even more honest with you – something that my family doesn’t even know… I’ve actually tried twice. The first time I was in High School and most recently was the day before my 30th birthday. I am thankful I was unsuccessful both times, but I’d be lying if I told you that at those very moments it was the only option I could see.
So why am I telling you this? Because many people see me and think I have this perfect life, or am on my way to a perfect semi charmed life… but I’ve still been down in the darkness. It also means others have and are there currently. It might feel like you don’t matter, like no one cares – but that’s not true.
You will never know the impact YOU have had on others, but you HAVE.
You DO matter.
Someone DOES care.
Someone does NEED you.
Reach out and talk to someone, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is open and available 24/7. 800-273-TALK (8255).
I don’t know why I’m still here, or what the plan is for me, but every day I am thankful that I am.
-Sarah
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The Sarah Diaries: Case Of The Space Invader

Being the good daughter that I am, Saturday’s in May and June are devoted to the Farmers Market. Thankfully we only have to travel to South Bend, and not Chicago, but that 3am wake up is still rough!
Minus my mom to terrifying me when she fell off the back of our box truck and landed hard on the ground, it’s been a pretty standard run. Thankfully she’s ok, but wow, pretty positive she gave me a few silver hairs!
If you’ve read some of by blogs, you know I’m working on bettering myself health wise and finding Mr. Right. Well, personally, I’ve also made it no big secret that I want to be a mom someday. A couple of years ago I made up my mind that if in the 5 years I’m still rocking this single status, I’m going to move forward with having kids on my own. Not how I wanted to do it, but maybe that’s God’s plan all along?
This all leads me to my last day at the market – in the words of Sophia from Golden Girls – picture it, South Bend, I’m selling plants to the people. My moms friend steps up to me in our booth, pinches my cheek, neck, arm, stomach, and hip and proceeds to exclaim how she can see I’ve lost weight but I still have a way to go. Followed by “Knocked up yet?”
Excuse me?! What just happened? Someone entered my space, pinched me multiple times, gave me a back-handed compliment, and asked me, what?!
I wasn’t sure how to respond, so I just walked away. Here I am, in a VERY a public place, she’s in her upper 70’s, and I’m both shocked and can feel my face/neck/chest turning red with anger. After calming down, I had to walk past her again, to which she leans over to me and says “You don’t need a man, adopt or go pick one out at a bank.” Right… something tells me it’s not that easy.
My mother assures me, she meant no harm, but I’m pretty positive there are rules or codes of conduct on things you just don’t do. All of the above being one of them.
Almost a month later, and I can laugh about it. Mainly I’m just thankful I wont have the pleasure of seeing her again any time soon.
Cheers!
-Sarah
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The Sarah Diaries: One Perfect Date

In my last blog I told you about being in a funk. it should be no surprise that during that time I had zero dates. Can you blame them though? Going out with someone who’s personality is that of Jane or Daria doesn’t exactly scream “good times ahead!” (Props if you got the name reference!)
The last date I was on was actually pretty perfect. It was the beginning of May, and it was easy. Conversation flowed, there was a physical attraction, but our long term goals didn’t match. The biggest part of his job requires being able to uproot and move as quickly as 13 weeks after arriving. Just long enough to get settled in, then pack up and off you go on the next great adventure!
Don’t get me wrong, it’s a fantastic way to see the world, but wow! That’s a lot of packing and unpacking in a short amount of time, over and over and over…
It wasn’t just the job and moving, we were also at two different points in our life. He’s been married and has kids, I’ve been rocking the single world and am looking to settle down and start a family.
Oh, did I mention the location of the next move? It was between two places, Alaska and Arizona. Not to say a LDR can’t or wont work because I have many friends who it has and does! I’m just not the most confident person in them. And yes, before you ask, we did have a frank discussion about trying to make it work, would I move, etc… but both agreed it didn’t feel right.
We ended our date, and I went on my way. We texted a little after, but after a series of failed second date attempts, we stopped chatting. Honestly, I’m pretty ok with how it ended. All things considered, I don’t think I would have changed anything with him. I’m a believer that God put’s people in your life for various reasons, I think this one was to remind me I’m capable of actually having a good date.
Now to find another…
-Sarah
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The Sarah Diaries: Case of the Blahs

I know, I haven’t posted in a while. Not to say I haven’t sat down, opening up my laptop and looked directly at the screen trying to figure out what exactly I was going to write. Hoping by some miracle I’d get inspired. Not the case. Nothing came to me. I’d walk away, head outside, mow, pull some weeds, nap, anything to try and find some inspiration to write. And yet nothing. Its like a mix of writers block and just blah.
Clearly you’ve been feeling the lack of blog love too, as I’ve gotten many requests about when I’m going to post another.
But… this isn’t a normal blog for me. If you’ve interacted with me face to face for the last month or so, you know I haven’t been myself. I’ve been in a funk. I’d tell you it has something to do with seasonal depression, but I’ve never had it hit me when it’s spring/summer out. Winter yes, May and June, no.
My patience has been tried, my attitude crap, and I will even admit to a few outburst – which I will apologize right now for. If I have been anything but my normal upbeat, bubbly self to you – I am truly sorry! (**cough, cough John & Mike cough, cough**)
I have no other explanation than to say I’ve been in a funk, I am aware of it, and I’m working on getting out of it. I’m also working on a vacation, which my hope is that will greatly assist in returning me to “normal”. Meanwhile, any suggestions for how you beat the blues, or even vacation places are gladly welcomed and appreciated!
Cheers!
-Sarah
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The Sarah Diaries: The Boy Who Was Embarrassed

A few blogs ago I mentioned that I dated a guy who was embarrassed to be seen with me in public. I’m not even sure what was going through my head at the time. Wait… that’s a lie, I know exactly what was going through my head “This guys hot and he’s interested in ME?! WHHHAAAAATTTTT?!?!?
When I met him, I was at such a low point in my life. I was questioning everything, including my existence. I’m pretty sure he could sense it, which only added fuel to the fire – or blood to the water for a shark. Externally, I think I came off as being close to normal, but inside I was a hot mess. I spent more time crying during that 6 months than I think I have in the last few years combined.
At first I didn’t think much of it, we both had crazy schedules that never seemed to mesh so trying to plan dates never went smoothly. It was so much easier to plan for at home than working around places being open or closed, movie show times, etc… The few times we did go out, I could tell he felt uncomfortable being seen together. Typically they shifted to the beach or a park after dark, where no one could see us. After a while I started questioning him about it. Was he embarrassed, secretly married or seeing someone else? He always said the right things to halt the questions in my mind. He told me he loved me, and I was so desperate for something to feel like it was going right I went along with it.
Looking back, he had it made! Basically he got everything he could have wanted from me, minus money. That is the one things I will say, he never asked me for a dime. Emotionally, mentally, and physically though, he found a gold mine. A woman who could boost his ego, take care of his needs, and he never had to be seen in public with her.
Everything came to blows the day after my birthday, which he completely forgot about. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t hurt, so I started to call him out on all these things that made me question what I was doing with him. He was notorious for finding excuses as to why we couldn’t walk in to any location together. Those that we did, it needed to be dark inside, nothing bright with good lighting. (Heaven forbid a girl get some good lighting on a date!) Instead it was always dark, and we seemed to be hidden in the corners.  When it came time to leave, it was “You first, I’ll meet you at the car in a couple.” Or “Wait here, count to 10 and then leave.” (What the….?!)
I can laugh about it now, but at the time, I was flooding with emotions. The cherry on top came a few weeks later after we ended it. I was broadcasting live at a local event when a woman came up to me and asked if I knew him. I responded yes, and she looked me up and down with this look on her face of “poor girl” and informed me he had been seeing someone else the entire time we were supposedly “together“. Let me tell you… It’s hard to be upbeat, and professional when all you want to do is cry. I held it together, got home, and sobbed my way through an entire bottle of wine.
Thinking back, it really shouldn’t have surprised me, there were no walks along the bluff holding hands during the day, playing pool or bowling dates, romantic dinners or anything that would have clued anyone in that we were a couple. Honestly, now, I don’t think I can classify it as being in a relationship with him. Just 6 months of trying to tread water and not get pulled under by the rip-current.
I’ve seen him out, seen him at various places with different girlfriends over the years. I won’t lie and say it didn’t hurt, because it did. It’s also made me realize I’m so thankful I didn’t continue to fall deeper in a relationship that wasn’t. Seeing how differently he acts with them versus how he did with me really put an exclamation point on how I view it now.
Everyone deserves someone who’s excited to be with you. Who joyfully wants to be seen sitting, standing, talking, hugging, holding hands, etc… with you. Not someone who treats you like a shameful secret. I only wish I would have realized it before that 6 months happened – or at the very least, shortly after it started.
Cheers!
-Sarah
Sarah@983thecoast.com
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The Sarah Diaries: Squat Challenge – What Was I Thinking?!

While scrolling through Facebook, there it was. A post from a high school friend about a 30 day squat challenge she was doing again. This was her 3rd time doing it and she was recruiting friends to join her. Ironically enough, I had just pinned a 30 day squat challenge on Pinterest, so I figured, what do I have to lose!
The very next day (because why start that day) I knocked out the 50 squats my challenge called for. Over the last 2 weeks I’ve gradually increase my number to 140 as of yesterday. I’d be lying if I said it hasn’t been a struggle, and my legs haven’t been on fire. Oh, the burn!! It’s day 30 that I’m currently terrified of. 250 squats! Steph and I have chatted about the challenge a few times, and each time I tell her how sore I am she laughs. I don’t really blame her though…
Before you ask, yes, I do break them up throughout the day, because 250 squats in one sitting is just not happening! But they’ve gotten easier. Which I guess is the point. Well, that and to give you that JLo/Kardashian rump. Pretty sure it’s going to take a few more months of me doing the squat challenge before I’m anywhere near that caliber.
I decided for entertainment purposes to add up the number of squats that it calls for over the 30 day period and was impressed and yet slightly terrified at the end number: 3,300! In 30 days! If I pull this off, it will rank up there with completing my first 5K!
Prior to starting this challenge, someone asked me if I knew how much I’d lost because they “could see changes.” I’m not very good about actually weighing myself, which is a positive and negative. That night I jumped on the scale to see, and ended up sobbing hysterically on my bed after seeing the number. Nope, not good tears, tears of self hate, anger, and sadness. I weighed in 3 times not believing the number, even changed the batteries thinking that might make a difference, but no matter what I did, it kept telling me I GAINED 10 pounds! I chucked the scale under the bed yelling “You’re staying there until you recognize and correct that number!“, and began wondering why I was killing myself with eating better and going to the gym if I was only going to GAIN.
To make matters worse, my friend that has been doing this journey with me had recently announced she was down 8 pounds and here I was, gaining. UGH!! Let me pause and say I’m super happy for her, but hearing her success and then seeing my “failure” hurt. Bad.
After 2 weeks of squats, I decided to weigh in again. One of the guys at “the other job” told me he thought I was down about 10 pounds, I laughed. Last night right before I climbed in bed, I pulled my scale out again and had a nice long talk with it. (Because, apparently talking to your scale helps it give you a lower number! Ha!) Sure enough, I stepped on and braced myself for no change, or even worse, another LARGER number. Only, he was right. Down 10 pounds! I’ll take it!
I guess the point I’m trying to make is, don’t get caught up on the number on a scale. It would have been so easy for me to just throw in the towel and say “I quit!” Instead, I took a risk, and just kept swimming… or I guess in this case, squatting along.
Now I’m wondering what 30 day challenge I’ll start after this one is done!
-Sarah
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The Sarah Diaries: 365 Days…

The internal struggle to post this today has been with me for weeks. Do I, don’t I. What would you do?

365 Days… 525,600 minutes… 31,536,000 seconds, and it still feels like yesterday. It amazes me how 1 year can feel like an eternity, and yet it all seems like it was just yesterday.

I remember every detail of that day, minus driving home. I still can’t wrap my head around how I got from point A to B without getting in an accident. I remember the exact outfit I was wearing, 365 days later, I have yet to wear that combo again. I remember opening Facebook that morning and seeing the initial news story, searching the pictures for clues, and checking your page and the Coast page, in hope it wasn’t you. I remember the call, trying to juggle the work phone and my cell going off. The sound of Zack’s voice, the gut feeling when he said it was important we talk, and his confirmation as I said your name… “Denise?” I can remember through the tears telling him “Zack, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry” over and over. The feeling of not being able to catch my breath, and the feeling of guilt.

I’ve found myself in multiple situations over the last year, some scary and some happy, where I’ve thought of you. The emotions are still mixed. I’m no stranger to sudden and painful loss, but you… this felt different. I can remember when I first met you, after listening to you on the air and then watching you on TV, you walked in the studio one day to promote a Komen fundraiser and I was star struck. I remember being super excited and telling my mom that I met you. Over the years we would see each other and chat at events, and other celebrations/functions. You were always so quick to give me positive constructive feedback on my show, pushing myself and other females in the business that tends to be male focused.

Suddenly, on a random Tuesday, you were gone.

In October, I had the privilege of hosting a luncheon in your honor. It was one of the proudest, and hardest moments of my life. Standing in front of over 200 people trying not to stumble over my words (which I was not fully successful at), cry, or forget anything. I remember you telling me before my first 5K “you got this!” those words, your voice, it played over and over in the back of my head that day.

When I hear people talk about your life, they always talk about your laugh, smile, love, and passion. The drive you had to recover after a car wreck, to beat cancer, to raise funds and awareness so your daughter doesn’t have to face it. Not wanting her to be a statistic to cancer like you had been.

One year ago, you became a statistic again.

“On average, nearly 20 people per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner in the United States. During one year, this equates to more than 10 million women and men. 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men have been victims of [some form of] physical violence by an intimate partner within their lifetime. On a typical day, there are more than 20,000 phone calls placed to domestic violence hotlines nationwide.” – National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV.org)

I know this is not how your story was to end, or how you want to be remembered. But it’s an opportunity for us to open up dialog, empower and educate instead of keep it tucked away like a dirty little secret. Always looking for the best story, you wouldn’t want that either.

A few weeks before you left us, there was a large group of us radio folks that gathered at Santaniello’s. Thanks to Facebook, this memory popped up recently and triggered so many emotions inside me. There were laughs, snaps, and of course focaccia… That’s how I’ve remember you for the last 365 days, laughing and joking around before sneaking away during the meeting to snag the last piece of focaccia… unnoticed.

It’s fitting that 365 days later, that same group will be gathered together tonight. I’m sure you’ll be sitting there with us.

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The Sarah Diaries: The Numbers Game

During a recent visit with some friends, we began discussing our dating life. Of the 3, I’m single never married, 1 is divorced with kids, and the 3rd is married with two little ones. Taking turns, us single girls shared crazy stories about our recent dates. I terrified them with a scary situation that happened to me a few weeks ago, and we all laughed hearing about the adventures of the newly single one.
One thing we discussed were the importance of certain numbers. For me, age is a big deal, for her it’s height. I couldn’t help but laugh, because I’ve gone out multiple guys who have lied about both!
I get it, from an early age we adjust as needed. Remember being young and exclaiming your age – I’m 3 and a HALF! Hitting a milestone that you’re mentally not ready for (My 2nd anniversary being 29.) Or when discussing your height with friends who are taller – I’m 4 foot 6 and a HALF! Embellishing, adjusting or accentuating certain numbers makes us feel good about ourselves. Almost like a natural confidence booster.
While small exaggerations are ok, you can let them slide by, larger ones are not. What I don’t get are people who exaggerate so much that in the back of your head there’s a voice going “I call BS! Who do you think you’re fooling?” Example, I’m somewhere around 5’5″, some say I’m 5’4″, others give me 5’6″, truthfully I have no clue anymore. Some of the guys I’ve gone out on dates with claim to be 6′ or taller, but when we meet, we are almost looking eye-to-eye – which is fine! Now granted, I do have a pair of booties that give me about 2-3″, but not the 5 to 7 that is needed to be almost the exact same height.
Another example, I had a guy message me a while ago, his age was listed as being 35. Yet when we met, I called him out on looking older, turns our he’s 47! Or… the ones that say they are in their 30’s but actually are 22! Yes, that really happened, and yes when I realized it I felt like a cougar. Which, I guess isn’t a horrible thing, but wow! Talk about being at two different points in your life! 22 and ready to party, and 33 barely able to keep up! Haha!
So many of us have trust issues, and granted these are small things to embellish. But, I can’t help but think “What else aren’t they being honest about?” For the most part, I’m pretty open, there are things I don’t tell people up front (like where I work, live, or what my last name is) but I’m not feeding them a line of BS either. I don’t tell them I’m a size 2 only to have shock and awe when they see me in person.  And, I’m not just saying it’s only guys that do this either, just their the only ones I have experience with, but why lie about such small details?
Be honest! You’ll get so much more out of it, by simply being honest!
-Sarah
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The Sarah Diaries: Battle Of The 2am Enough

A while back I was chatting with a good friend about our respective dating adventures, when she suddenly announced how she’s tired of just being “2am good enough.” I immediately exclaimed “YES!!” because that’s exactly how I’ve felt multiple times. I’m not sure I can pin point exactly when I decided I was ok with this form of “enough”, but clearly I’m not the only one. Which makes me happy, and yet super sad. I fully understand we’ve become a more relaxed society, but a girl can dream of being something more, can’t she? Now, before you say, “But Sarah, are you upfront with them with what you want?” The answer is yes. I’m incredibly open with guys and tell them I’m not interested in the casual fling, FWB, late night rendezvous, etc… which apparently makes me a challenge to them? Like, suddenly they feel the need to try and get me to cave and go back on my words to gain manliness points or something. There have been a few that I’ve strongly considered going for it. But that just makes me 2am good enough again…
(Note: As I’m typing this, my phone has dinged TWICE! from 2 guys who “Want to cuddle” or “Netflix?”… slightly ironic.)
Yet, the battle rages on…
Like I’ve said before, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.
So how do you break it? How do you convince yourself, and thus others that you’re more than just a “Heeeeyyyy” after dark? Personally, I’m starting to think it starts with admitting dating right now might not be for me, especially online – at least for the time being. Ok, also the types of guys I’ve been attracted to needs revamping, and re-examining what it is I’m looking for. In the meantime, it’s me and the gym, rediscovering my religious beliefs, explore other options and adventures on the bucket list, and heck maybe just maybe date myself. (After all there is no rule that says I can’t be my own Sugar Momma! HAHA!)
Eventually I’ll start asking friends if they know someone to keep me in mind. Continue purging my “lists” maybe give some of those past good first dates a call and a second chance. Throwing it out to the universe that I’m ready, and I’m well beyond 2am good enough.
Oh, one more thing… In case you were wondering, YOU are well beyond 2am good enough too!
Cheers!!
-Sarah
Sarah@983thecoast.com
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The Sarah Diaries: Slow Down & Say Sorry

By now you’ve probably realized I have a horrible history with guys. I fall fast. Like crazy, stupid, out of my mind, fast. And, it always seems like its the wrong ones. Guys that I know don’t want the same things as me, are 1,200 miles away, or the ones that I can actually tell are ashamed to be in public with me. (True story, I’ll share eventually.) So it should be no surprise to anyone who knows me that when I met a guy recently, I became excited about the potential and WHAM, true to form, everything crashed and burned. That’s part of the fun in dating though, right? While drowning sorrow that you’ve been friend-zoned after asking “What are we?”, another opportunity graces you. (When one door closes…)
For the most part I think I’m a good person, but as he (who shall remain nameless) pointed out to me, I’m not. Actually according to him, I’m pretty much a bottom feeder. After a super crazy, super drunken night on his part, I decided we should just be friends. Things were going WAY too fast, and I didn’t feel comfortable. Actually, terrified is probably the more accurate term. That’s where I made my first mistake, deciding to just be friends instead of ending it. In my defense, there was this crazy instant connection that we both recognized, which would prove to make being just friends with out any strings attached pretty impossible.
Fast forward to this past weekend, after going a few days without talking, I reached out. Yep, shouldn’t have done that – mistake number 2. Thinking, perhaps after a few days things have cooled down on both ends enough that we can think rationally and be friends, get to know each other better, and down the road see where things lead. I was so wrong… so… so wrong. This is where I turn into a bad person… I didn’t nip it in the bud right then and there. I didn’t know how. It felt so good to hear someone say all these amazing things to me that I dragged it out instead of ripping it off like a band-aid. Got his hopes up, his feelings re-involved, and ended up hurting him. Again. Jerk move on my part.
Among the many, MANY things he told me, were that I enjoy leading guys on. Letting them get their feelings involved and then crushing them like a black widow. Karma will get me, overall that I’m only out to build up my self esteem, and that I target the weak and pre-damaged only to break them even more – because I like it. Needless to say, I ended up crying, and questioning who I am.
Part of the things he said stung, because well, I’m afraid they might be true. There’s a part of me that doesn’t like admitting I’m scared that I’ll just end up hurt. So, I sabotage. Hurt them before they hurt me. I guess I just never put in perspective their feelings until him. Which also might explain why I’ve had so many bad experiences, and not enough good ones. It also gives me yet another area that I need to work on. Mostly it’s a reminder to slow down, think, and make sure I’m being the best me.
I hope if you’re one of the guys I’ve hurt/lead on, you’ll accept my apology. I really am sorry, and hope some day we can have a honest discussion about it and how I made you feel.
-Sarah
... [Read Full Story]

The Sarah Diaries: Going Out Of My Comfort Zone

Oh the joys of being single on Valentine’s Day! All jokes, or self deprecation aside, today is just another day for me. I’m torn between calling it a “Hallmark Holiday” and some years torture. OK, torture might be a bit extreme. For me, the day has really never mounted to anything special. I’ve been dumped on Valentine’s Day (it’s for the best, I promise!), the third wheel with friends, and spent curled up with Cosita, Hallmark movies (ironically enough), and chocolate! In all honesty, today should be a special day, but it also shouldn’t be the ONLY day you show love to yourself, your S.O., and to others.
Most days, at least for me, showing myself love is the hardest thing imaginable. With that, comes the ability to take our bodies, our “self”, for granted. We forget the sheer ability to wake up in the morning and breathe on our own, walk across the room, drive, sing, write, or do the simplest of tasks are not always a given and guaranteed thing.
Cosmo recently re-shared a link to an article they posted from a year ago. You can read it here (http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/news/a55260/why-i-sext-my-best-friends/) The story of a woman and the moment she viewed her “self” differently. It was all a direct link to watching her husband die from cancer. Watching his body go from a fully functionally healthy man to someone who couldn’t walk, run, or breathe on his own. She began seeing her list of flaws differently. She began loving herself for what her body could do, not hating it for what it couldn’t.
 
She also began doing something with some of her single girlfriends – something a little unorthodox (okay, a LOT unorthodox!) They began sexting each other. Nothing dirty, but pictures that embraced who they were as women, and all received responses back that focused on the positive. Things we tend to dislike, or judge, that others view differently. It’s amazing how our mind works like that, isn’t it? We can pick our bodies apart, down to the smallest details, yet look at someone else and see the most beautiful things. Things that are likely close or almost the exact same.
I read the article again last night before heading home. Walked in the studio and if you were listening to Steph, announced I’m going to start sexting my friends. Let me be more specific, a handful of my closest girl friends. Wait, let me be even more specific so you don’t get the wrong idea about me, tasteful photo’s that I wouldn’t be embarrassed if my mother saw.... [Read Full Story]